Signs of the APPocalypse
by Rhonda Ross
The end of the world as we know it is predicted to occur this year on December 21st according to a calendar found in ancient Mayan culture. Archeologists have debunked this theory stating the Mayans didn’t say anything about gloom and doom, the date simply symbolizes the beginning of a new era. Enter Nostradamus, a philosopher of the 1500s, who wrote a book entitled “The Prophecies” declaring his belief that the end is coming in 2012 by way of massive destruction and havoc wrought by a comet. Until this fateful “Doomsday” enthusiasts will continue to debate these prophecies with a strange fascination.
We say, “Forget Nostradamus,” we’ve found several signs that the end is near in what has become readily available 24/7 at our fingertips. In this list of utterly useless, costly, and all consuming e-drivel we see the “APP”ocalypse prophecy is already coming to fruition. When all is said and done, the following apps have staked their claim on the sad state of the human condition and thus are clear indicators that the end could be closer than we think.
The competition for the most outrageously useless app is much more fierce than we imagined. Apparently there are far too many people with free time on their hands to create the strange array of apps available for those who are so gullible they actually believe the claims of the ads. Guard your smartphones; Armageddon is coming.
Fat Burner 2K
For the low, low price of only $.99 this app claims it can “help your body consume fat molecules using disharmonic, molecule to molecule, physical oscillations.” Confused? Let us help with this translation. Place the phone on your tummy and it vibrates. Yep, that’s all.
Will You Marry Me?
Dropping to one knee and pulling out a ring is so 17 seconds ago. Modern women today want more. Ads for this app say, ”You’d like to be unique without being pathetic.” Are they kidding? It’s hard to imagine anything more pitifully pathetic than using your smartphone to propose to the one you love. One question begs another, “Does anyone actually say yes?”
Another $.99 wonder app, Hold On let’s you track how long you can keep a finger on a static position on the touchscreen labeled, wait for it, “Hold On.” Really, we’re not kidding here. For a fun time you can later use the data collected to make a spreadsheet that tells you exactly how much of your life you just wasted on this useless endeavor.
HangTime is sold as a “fun” application for the iPhone that uses the “internal accelerometers” (huh?) to measure how long the device is in free fall, from the time it leaves your hand, to the time you catch it again. Yes, you heard us correctly. There is an app that encourages you to throw your expensive smartphone up into the air and will store the time and location of your best “throws.” Note, it doesn’t say your best “catches.”
This popular app turns your iPhone into a make-believe tanning salon. Of course, the “UV” tanning rays are really just a light from the LCD screen and you actually paid a dollar to wave your phone over your skin like the village idiot. We bet The Situation, whose self-proclaimed motto is “Tan, Gym, Laundry, baby,” has one of these on his phone. By eliminating “tan” from his daily schedule it’ll free up his time for more laundry.
The promotional copy for ZIPS reads, “Zippers are sexy, suggestive, and seductive.” OK, we get it. But what do you do when the fun of dragging an image of a zipper up and down wears off? Sadly, the designer thought of that. Various changes of clothing are available or you can even add a personal photo. Really?
Taxi Hold ‘em
Designed to aid the novice tourist who fears hailing that big-city cab, this app will do the whistling for you. When you tilt your iPhone horizontally it will flash the word “TAXI” in big, bold yellow and black letters so the phone can be held aloft to summon a cab. We’re thinking it doubles as a sign that reads, “Mug me, I’m obviously from out of town.”
Saving the best of the worst for last, if this candle had a scent, it would be burning money. At $4.99 this app claims, “Whether you want to just sit quietly and meditate on the flame, or just load as an alternative screensaver to keep your device looking interesting.” The simple truth is Calm Candle is a video, of a burning candle, and you just spent five bucks on it.
Some apps we found may be user friendly for certain targeted audiences but the fact that someone designed them in the first place is a bit disturbing to us so we include them as probable signs of the “APP”ocalypse. There’s a very old saying, “You get what you pay for” that implies paying more for something will ensure a better quality of whatever it is being purchased. We have to wonder if that statement holds true for the particularly pricey apps we found. You be the judge.
Contrary to the name, this app is not for budding mixologists. This popular study app for taking the Bar sells for the relatively steep price of $999.00. Harvard lawyers teamed up with top iPhone developers to produce this complete bar exam prep course. For the hefty price tag lawyer wanna-be’s get 2 months of lectures, a calendar and task list to stay organized, unlimited personal attention from Barmax, an essay, flash cards and much, much more. Sounds like an ad for Ginsu knives, “But wait, there’s more!” Whatever happened to old-fashioned studying?
This app is also affectionately known as “The Millionaire’s App” and has to be our favorite indulgent app coming in at the bargain price of $999.00. Advertisements call this a “premium lifestyle” app that works like a little black book for living the good life. Members can geo-locate iVIP partners to get personalized attention and special treatment at luxurious venues. Users can even book a private jet, a trip on a yacht, or reserve a private island all from their smartphone. Our favorite part about this app? To even own iVIP the user must certify that he or she has a net worth of at least $1 million. Surely “pride goeth before a fall” and this app is a sign that a day of reckoning is upon us. We don’t care, we like it and we want one.
As Apple so aptly put it, “There’s an app for that,” has become much more than just a catch phrase, it’s a reality. The number of available apps changes constantly, so an exact number is almost impossible to nail down but industry leaders estimate there are now close to 500,000 of these mini-software packages. According to The King of the pollsters, the Neilsen Company, a recent survey found more than 44 percent of Americans now own a smartphone and more than 20 percent downloaded a new app within thirty days of its survey period.
Let’s hope they didn’t download any of these. What’s on your smartphone?