By Leah Spina
Webrhave a three-year-old towhead boy and an 11-month-old baby girl that resemblesbra live Cabbage Patch doll. They make us laugh and smile each day. We love thembrwith all our might. But the transition from one to two small children was abrrough one for my husband and me. We took turns at having a life – someone wasbralways “on” watching the kids. I felt completely overwhelmed and our marriagebrsuffered.
Itbrwasn't because we didn't care about each other. We were simply chronicallybrexhausted and stressed out caring for the five-million constant needs of a babybrand toddler, night and day. We had little time or energy for our marriage.
That'sbrwhen we decided we had to make some changes. Sure, we could survive these yearsbrand hope to reconnect when the kids were older. But who wants to live like thatbror hope their marriage will somehow survive? We did not want to emerge haggardbrstrangers. We did not want a child-centered home. Our first priority was ourbrmarriage and then our children. So we sat down at Starbucks (with double shotbrespressos thanks to teething-baby-sleepless-nights) and jotted a list ofbrproblems and then solutions to prioritize marriage in the diaper chaos. Here'sbrsome ideas on building your marriage while parenting small children.
SLEEPbrDEPRIVATION SOLUTIONS
Whetherbrit's a newborn, teething baby, scared toddler or sick child, sleepless nightsbrare a bear. You naturally snap at your children and spouse when walking aroundbrlike a zombie during the day. Every small annoyance seems like a big deal in abrcloud of exhaustion. I vividly remember David with bloodshot eyes reminding me,br“We're both tired so I think it's important we try to extend a lot of gracebrtoward one another.” Try to overlook offenses and give grace to your spouse –bryou both are just not yourselves. Eliminate potential conflict – it's not timebrto discuss big life issues or over commit the calendar or travel.
END OFbrTHE DAY/WEEKEND TIME OFF/SCHEDULING
Whenbrdad returns from work, he is tired. So is Mom. Both desperately crave a breakbrbut look! There are those adorable little ones still needing attention, dinnerbrand bedtime. Talk through what works for you as a couple so that both of youbrcan relax at some point each day. You'll both have a better attitude aboutbrweeknights and weekends if the expectations are voiced/discussed and youbrformulate a plan of action. Also, we learned the hard way about over-schedulingbrand taking too many trips with small children. Now I watch our calendar like abrhawk. We do not risk over-committing to the detriment of our marriage or ourbrchildren. It is JUST. NOT. WORTH. IT. Learn to say no. Your marriage andbrchildren will be glad you did!
RECREATINGbrYOURSELVES INDIVIDUALLY
In thebrwake of small children, both spouses can feel they eat, sleep and breathe smallbrchildren. You can feel you've lost your identity. Like you are rat on abrspinning wheel that cannot jump off. A mama and dad that never get a break arebrmiserable. Make a list – both mom and dad – of what recreates you as anbrindividual. Then create daily/weekly schedules so you can both recreatebryourselves and return home a better spouse and parent. Some things webrprioritized was personal quiet times, working out, social/shopping time for me,brDave taking time for his hobbies, etc. It feels selfish at first when you havebrto get a babysitter or your children may “suffer” from not being with you at abryoung age, but this alone has eliminated so much tension because we are notbrrunning around on empty.
FUNbrMEMORY-MAKING ACTIVITIES
Ibrremember rocking a baby overhearing David talking on the phone to one of hisbrguy friends – they were laughing and joking about old times. A lightbulb went offbr– we need to develop fun, memory-making activities and experiences as a couple.brWe associate fun with certain people because our connection to them is throughbrfun activities. Unfortunately, our best friend – the one we love the most – isbroften just a roommate and fellow caretaker during the small children stage.brDave and I decided we needed to proactively create fun, memory-makingbrexperiences with our spouse that we can laugh about and talk about later onbrthrough the years. I know it feels like you have no time or energy to evenbrthink about getting a babysitter or researching a new activity but I promisebryou it is WORTH IT! Our lives are as interesting and fun as we make them.
SHAREDbrGROWTH EXPERIENCES
We trybrto learn new things and grow as a couple whether it is a structured class orbrreading a book together to discuss. Maybe a parenting class, a church smallbrgroup or a new hobby or a mission trip. We also commit to one marriagebrconference a year. During those experiences, we are both learning and changingbras individuals and as a couple. We have new material to discuss as a couple.brBefore we implemented fun and growth activities, we felt our date night dinnersbrwere merely checking in on each other's individual lives. Now we are growingbrand having fun as a couple with lots of shared memories and topics.
DATEbrNIGHT
Eachbrday I feel like I'm putting on my work uniform – comfortable clothing and shoesbrso I can get down on my knees to change a diaper, lift a dirty toddler intobrtheir car seat, etc. When all we see of our spouse is that one side – workingbrmama in clothes with baby spit up on the shoulder, and a husband that comesbrhome to unwind – we forget that cute guy that made our heart flutter, or thebrgirl he couldn't wait to see. When we go on a date night, Dave and I both trybrto pull ourselves out of our parenting/work identities and even wear clothesbrthat are for each other! It makes me love Dave all over again when I see himbrgetting dressed in something special for “our time” and I try hard to dressbrlike his girlfriend instead of a tired mom. I cannot tell you how different itbris to step into our white suburban without kids. I look back at the two emptybrcar seats, reach over for his hand and say, “Hey! How ARE you? I've missedbryou?” This is the crucial few hours where we can actually concentrate on eachbrother without our energy and focus zapped from children. I'm not going to lie –brsometimes it's a good 30 minutes of just being quite while we slowly unwindbrfrom high energy/stress to relax, eat and start to talk!
TRIPSbrWITHOUT KIDS
Davebrand I took our first “big” trip away from the kids two months ago – it wasbrbetter than our honeymoon! We were like high-schoolers in love again! It openedbrour eyes to how much stress we maintain each day that keeps us so tired. Webrreally do like each other! We just have little energy when taking care of kidsbrall the time. We want to try to do a trip like this once a year to reconnect.brHot, uninterrupted meals, time to get ready, no buckling children in the carbrseat or being on a time clock for naps or bedtimes – and SLEEP, glorious sleep!brWe couldn't stop talking and laughing and just being relaxed together.
SIMPLE,brSCHEDULED LIFESTYLE
Webrmade a spreadsheet of all the goals we had for each other and our family. Thenbrwe created time slots on specific days and times to implement those goals. Forbrexample, once a week Dave and I have a formal meeting when the children arebrnapping to schedule our week and upcoming dates/trips. We also made mealsbrsimple – I buy a lot of prepared foods and we use disposable, plasticbrtableware. This is just not the season for me to cook elaborate meals or spendbrtime doing unnecessary dishes. We do take-out and use frozen pizzas and I'mbrlearning to not feel bad anymore. My red-light indicator is when I start snappingbrat the people I love the most – what can we adjust to eliminate underlyingbrstress? I sometimes felt disconnected from Dave because we rarely had deepbrconversations – so now after the kids go down, we try to take about ten minutesbrto debrief about the day while relaxing in bed. We also realized that sex wasbrthrown in whenever we both felt like it or had the time. With small children,brit kept getting pushed aside and often one of us was too tired. Now we havebrspecific times that are set aside each week. If it happens in between, great.brIf not, we both look forward to those scheduled times and don't put it offbrbecause it is a priority. You always get the things done in your life that arebrimportant to you. Sometimes it just takes scheduling to make those importantbrthings happen.
Takeaway: Obviouslybrwe did not implement all of these the day our second baby was born. But as thebrweeks drew on, we knew something must change. We tweak these ideas according tobrour life season that constantly evolves. But the most important thing is we arebrno longer tagging marriage building activities in when we feel like it orbrremember it. We really try hard on a daily and weekly basis to build ourbrmarriage.
Photo via Flickr.
Leah Spinabris a former journalist of a national newsweekly turned stay-at-home mom tobrthree children, age five and under. She lives in the Dallas area with herbrhusband, David, and is a speaker to mom groups and conferences. Her new book Stopbrand Smell Your Children: Laugh and Enjoy the Little Years helps parents tobrenjoy, not just endure, the little years by changing their parentingbrperspective. Visit leahspina.com to sign-up for Leah’s free weekly parentingbrblog and video. You can also follow her on Instagram (leahthespina) andbrFacebook. When Leah is not burning macaroni and cheese, she enjoys singingbrItalian opera, riding horses and drinking inordinate amounts of Starbucksbrcoffee.