Combining the rituals and values of both partners in a relationship helps keep a couple connected.
Relationships with Terah Harrison
My family is crazy about giving cards. We mark every holidaybrand milestone with them, and it wouldn't surprise me to get a card inbrcelebration of the 25th anniversary of the first time I sent my mombra card. Needless to say, card giving can be a complex process in mybrfamily. First, we spend at least an hourbrat our local Hallmark store picking out the perfect card. Our saying is, “The best card is the one thatbrmakes you cry.” Then we underline keybrphrases in the card. We also go above and beyond the sentiments expressed tobrwrite at least a paragraph expounding on our feelings for the recipient. Thebrlast step is giving the card in person and then crying and hugging after the cardbrhas been read. I believe if we had invested all the money into the Hallmark companybrinstead of their cards, I would be writing this from my winter house in the Southbrof France.
When the first milestone rolled around in my relationshipbrwith my husband, I was so excited to receive that meaningful card and see thebrtears in his eyes as I read his heartfelt words. When there was no card, Ibrthought it must be a joke: maybe he had hidden the card or was planning on abrsurprise card at dinner. Then I thoughtbrback to his family's events, and realized I had not seen one exchange of cards.brThe realization hit me: His family does not give cards! I did not receive abrcard for that first anniversary, but after I communicated how important thebrritual was to me, he has not missed an opportunity since.
As humans we tend to partner with people who come frombrsimilar cultural backgrounds. Being from the same subculture (country ofbrorigin, religion, class) makes communication easier in a marriage, but we arebrstill communicating cross-culturally, because every person comes from abrdifferent microculture — the family they were raised in. We often expect thesebrdifferences to eventually work themselves out, but when expectations are notbrproperly communicated, little things build up and can cause big problems. Morebrimportant is learning to compromise and making your partner's priorities asbrimportant as your own. For example, maybe you grew up in a family that atebrdinner at different times of the day and in different locations. Your partnerbrgrew up having a family dinner every night, and this is important to him or her.brIt might be out of your comfort zone to sit down and have dinner together, butbryou realize how important it is to your partner, and a compromise is made. Combiningbrthe rituals and values of both your families' microcultures helps you tobrdevelop your own unique family culture that keeps you connected and gives yourbrlife together meaning.
My husband might have failed to make what I figured as abrsimple card connection, but he did understand and, more importantly, act once Ibrmade my expectations clear. Although you must continually strive to communicatebrvalues in your relationships, it is essential to not take offense if yourbrpartner does not understand how important they are to you. Remember, it couldbrbe an entirely new cultural experience for him or her — your responsibility isbrto communicate with your partner and be open to learning and incorporating hisbror her values as well.
Terah Harrison is a licensed professional counselor and owner of Therapeutically Chosen, LLC, where she specializes in relationship counseling for singles and couples as well as matchmaking.