Relationships with Terah Harrison
Chores are a commonbrsource of conflict for couples. Usually, one person is more concerned withbrorder and cleanliness than the other, which can make for a really nice balancebrif the couple has a plan and communicates effectively around this issue — it canbrgo south really fast if the couple does not have a chore system in place.
Thisbrsituation might sound familiar: It is day three of the dirty dishes standoff. Thebrcounter is covered in stacked dishes, and the kitchen is starting to smell abrbit funny. I am a little worried there could be a family of small insects thatbrhave made a home in a coffee cup or on a sticky, jam-covered plate. I can'tbrstand even one dirty dish on a counter and am liable to take your cup from youbrto wash it before you are even finished with your drink. My husband, however,bris content to let dishes sit until he can “get around” to washing them. I havebrrealized over time that he often doesn't even see the things that really botherbrme regarding cleanliness. It is his job to do the dishes, so I am really tryingbrnot to freak out all over him about all of the imagined bacteria colonizing ourbrhome, but I am at my wits' end. He has no idea what's going on inside my head andbris happily watching the stock market in his office while I am practicing deep-yogabrbreathing to calm myself.
Itbris helpful for many couples to establish duties for each person. Deciding onbrchores based on internal motivation to do them is a great system. If one of youbrhates vacuuming and the other loves it, it is natural for the person who enjoysbrthe chore to assume the task. Sometimes, one of you is more particular aboutbrhow a certain chore is done (i.e. the person who takes baths might want abrcleaner tub than the one who takes a shower). Sometimes there are chores that sparkbrno internal motivation, so then it is a good idea to build a reward into thebrchore. Usually the reward for my husband doing the dishes is that I make dinner.brThis doesn't always work on weekends when we might go out to eat (hence thebrthree-day standoff) but is generally a good motivation for him to get thebrcounter cleared. If you're doing the chore together, then perhaps rewardbryourself with a trip to the movies or something else you both enjoy.
Don'tbrlet chores become a vehicle for controlling your partner. If you make the listbrof chores, be sure you give your partner choices. Also, let your partner do thebrchore on his or her time and in the way he or she wants to do the chore. Tryingbrto dictate how the towels are folded just creates more conflict. Learning tobraccept that others do things differently — and that's okay — is a great lifebrlesson. Also, when asking your partner to do something, “please” and “thankbryou” go a long way. Appreciation and politeness make more of a difference thanbrwe often realize.
Inbrthe end, the dishes get done, and I learned a great lesson in letting go whilebrpracticing my breathing techniques and finding peace in dirty dishes chaos.
Terah Harrison is a licensed professional counselor and owner of Therapeutically Chosen, LLC, where she specializes in relationship counseling for singles and couples as well as matchmaking.