While conflict is normal and healthy in any relationship, it's not a good idea to come out swinging.
Relationships with Terah Harrison
It has been a longbrday at work, and I'm heading home, hungry and tired. All day, I've lookedbrforward to returning to a clean house and relaxing on the couch. While drivingbrhome, I think to myself, “My husband better have finally cleaned up the yardbrlike he promised, or I am going to be so mad!”
As I pull up to mybrhouse, I see trashcans sitting by the curb and bits of trash floating in grass sobrlong, it sways gently in the late afternoon breeze. With steely resolve, I throwbropen the front door only to see Jeff sitting on the couch, watching yet anotherbrbike race. “Get off your lazy behind, and clean the yard!” I exclaim. He jumpsbrout of his seat, startled and defensive. It is on.
Picturebrthis scenario: It's now fight night at the Harrison household, and famous fightbrannouncer Michael Buffer gets the crowd ready for the showdown. Bufferbrintroduces the two fighters: “Ladies and gentlemen, fighting out of the bluebrcorner with a professional record of 28 victories, including three that endedbrwith doors slamming, and with only one defeat, is the fighting pride ofbrGrapevine, Texas, Terah ‘Boom Boom' Harrison! And fighting out of the redbrcorner with a professional record of 28 defeats and only one victory that endedbrwith a long crying session is the challenger and underdog, Jeff ‘Hound Dog'brHarrison!”
Fightsbrare normal in any relationship. They can be about anything, from arguing over anbrovergrown lawn and piles of dirty dishes to hurt feelings concerning commentsbryour partner made without thinking. Fights often start after resentments andbrissues have built up over time. It's healthy for couples to express hurtbrfeelings and resentments. When couples don't fight, it usually means they're avoidingbrconflict, and that leads to loss of intimacy. The key is to know how to makebryour fight productive and not destructive.
It'sbrimportant to understand that there are rules for all types of fighting, whetherbrit's a professional boxing match or a street fight (for example, no hittingbrbelow the belt or scratching the eyes). Couples' fights also have rules. No. 1bris to not let your frustration build up about what your partner did or said. Thinkbrabout what is really bothering you, and express it. For example, if the unkemptbrlawn really bothers you, you could say something like, “I feel really stressedbrthat the lawn looks so bad. Can you please go take care of it?” Attacking yourbrpartner's character (i.e. calling them lazy) will turn the conversationbrnegative — it's a below-the-belt move. It's also important to take a break tobrfigure out what you are really feeling. Usually anger is a mask for a deeperbremotion, which is often hurt, rejection or disappointment. If you canbrunderstand this and communicate it to your partner, it might lead to meetingbryour deeper needs as well as greater intimacy.
Startingbran argument when you are hungry, tired or upset is also always a recipe forbrdisaster. If you catch yourself doing this, or your partner calls you out on it,brmaking a joke about your grumpiness can really lighten the mood. My husband andbrI call my hunger anger “going primal,” and he knows I need to eat before anybrmajor discussions.
Nowbrthat you are ready for an argument, “Ladies and gentlemen, let's get ready tobrrumble!”
Terah Harrison is a licensed professional counselor and owner of Therapeutically Chosen, LLC, where she specializes in relationship counseling for singles and couples as well as matchmaking.