Sometimes being together means spending quality time apart.
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Relationships by Terah Harrison
A few Saturdays ago, I planned an amazing day for my husbandbrand me. We would start the day with some sunrise yoga and a hike, then getbrmassages and finish off the afternoon with a cheese and wine pairing. If webrwere really feeling adventurous, I thought we might add in a little antiquingbror check out a new mall. Imagine my surprise when my husband said he reallybrjust wanted to watch football and ride his bike! It seemed so obvious to me thatbrmy plans made for a perfect day, but to him, they did not. For a moment, Ibrwondered if maybe we weren't as compatible as I thought. But then I realized Ibrcould still enjoy the day with someone else — so I called a girlfriend and we sharedbrthe best Saturday I've had in a long time.
What a healthy relationship really looks like can bebrconfusing. We receive so many conflicting messages from popular culture aboutbrmarriage — no wonder it's so difficult to discern what's realistic. Quotes frombrpopular movies — like Jerry McGuire,brin which the main character professes to his loved one, “You complete me.” — suggestbrthat all we need is the love of a faithful partner to feel whole. Expectingbrsomeone else to fulfill all of our needs — physically, emotionally, spirituallybrand socially — is a huge burden. Even if he or she could, no one person shouldbrbe expected to meet all of your needs in any kind of relationship.
Spending quality time apart is as important as sharingbrquality time together. As fulfilling as it may be to share common activities, goalsbrand dreams, it is also necessary to pursue opportunities that are yours alone. Ifbryour partner doesn't share every opportunity with you, it doesn't mean you'rebrwith the wrong partner. The important thing is to be supportive of yourbrpartner's interests rather than obstructing his or her pursuits of them. Forbrexample, I love literature, but my husband isn't interested in fiction at all.brWhen I want to discuss my favorite authors or the symbolism of the color greenbrin The Great Gatsby, I call up abrfriend who shares my love of reading. On the other hand, my husband grew upbrracing anything with wheels on it. When he goes to the races, he goes with hisbrbuddies, and I do something else. We support each other in these passions andbrview the separation as a positive not a negative.
We can lose who we are in relationships because we arebrstriving to be what we think our partner needs. This creates feelings of distancebras resentments build up, leading us to expect our partners to be even more tobrmake up for what we gave them of ourselves. For example, if I had stayed homebrand watched football with my husband on that Saturday, I would have felt like Ibrlost out on an amazing day, and then I might have expected him to do somethingbrto make up for my sacrifice. But, it would have been my decision to stay home,brand it wouldn't be fair to make him accountable for my choices.
Not expecting our partners to fulfill all of our needsbrcreates space in our intimate relationships for personal growth, which in thebrend makes us better people and better partners.
Terah Harrison is a licensed professional counselor andbrowner of Therapeutically Chosen, LLC, where she specializes in relationshipbrcounseling for singles and couples as well as matchmaking.